Boundaries Without Guilt: The Power of Yes, And
Plenty of people know exactly where their boundaries should be. The hard part is holding them without feeling like the bad guy. So the boundary gets set, the guilt shows up, and the boundary quietly gets stepped over... usually by the same person who set it.
In this episode of Candid Coach Conversations, Kimberly Boyd, founder of Live Life Fully, sits down with certified Live Life Fully coach Savannah Burke to talk about boundaries without the guilt: what a boundary actually is, where the guilt comes from, and what to say when "no" feels impossible.
A boundary is protection, not an ultimatum
Ask Savannah what she thinks of when she hears the word boundary and she answers in one word: protection. It is one of her favorite things to talk about, partly because for so long she let people walk over hers... and stepped over them herself.
She credits Mel Robbins for the framing she now uses in her sessions: boundaries are there to protect you and your space, not to make someone else stop or start anything. That distinction matters. Many people hear "boundary" and think "ultimatum," and nobody likes being told no. Take the ultimatum out and a boundary becomes something you do for yourself rather than something you do to someone else.
Kimberly pictures a fence around a yard. It is not an attack on the neighbors. It simply says: this is my space. Savannah adds that a good boundary also keeps out the energy drains and time drains... the people who always take and never give back... so you have the energy to give in the ways you actually want to.
150 hours of paid time off, never taken
Savannah's own story is the kind that makes you wince in recognition. Working in oil and gas, she did not want to use her paid time off. She worked on her days off. She worked on vacation. The fear underneath it: if she took a week and did nothing, they would realize they did not need her anymore.
By the time she left that company, she had around 150 hours of PTO she had never used.
Kimberly points out what is easy to miss from the inside. Companies build paid time off into the job because they expect people to take it. Savannah was protecting herself from a risk the company had already planned around.
Guilt is often anger in disguise
So where does the guilt come from? Savannah reached for something her mother told her: guilt is the emotion we allow ourselves to feel when we don't want to deal with the anger behind it.
For Savannah, the guilt came from not wanting to let anyone down... and never stopping to ask how she was letting herself down. She still feels a flicker of it when she takes time off at Christmas and thinks about the clients who might need her. Then she reminds herself that she needs that time too, to reconnect with her family.
Her suggestion is to follow the guilt down to what is underneath it. What is the anger, and what is behind the anger? Maybe this person keeps trying to take over your time when they know you are up against a deadline. Maybe you are hurt that someone keeps acting like you are there to serve them. Maybe you are disappointed in the boss who handed you an unrealistic task knowing everything else on your plate. Named that clearly, the feeling stops being vague guilt and becomes information you can act on.
And underneath all of it is a simple reminder: you matter as much as the other person. Your goals for the day, the week and the month matter. And the people who care about you will understand.
"Yes, and": an alternative to a flat no
Kimberly brings the practical tool. She would rather approach boundaries with the word yes, because a bare no tends to create friction, in the person saying it and in the person hearing it. So she uses "yes, and." Yes, I heard you. Yes, I can do that. And here is when.
She shared how this played out for a coaching client who was writing a book. The plan was twenty minutes each evening after work to unwind and jot down ideas, and she had told her family. But the door kept opening... a text, someone popping in to say hi, a request for help. She hated saying no to them, so she would stop what she was doing and go take care of it.
Two changes made the difference. First, she started front-loading: letting everyone know her twenty minutes were starting now, and she did not want to be interrupted unless someone was dying or the house was on fire. Second, she changed her answers: "Yes, I will help you as soon as I finish typing this email." She put herself first without shutting anyone out.
Skipping the boundary is the selfish part
Kimberly is emphatic that setting boundaries is not selfish at all. Savannah finishes the thought: it's necessary.
The selfish part, Kimberly says, is what happens when you skip the boundary. You drop what you were doing to go handle the thing, resentment starts building, and then you're huffing and puffing around the house.
Savannah takes it one step further. The family picks up on it, and now everyone spends the evening angry or hurt or disappointed instead of enjoying each other's company. It is hard enough to get everybody together in the evenings, she says. You blink and it's gone.
That is where one of her best lines lands: "Unvoiced expectations are preconceived fights or hurts." You cannot expect someone to know what you are thinking unless you say it. (Her crystal ball, she jokes, has been in the shop for years... right next to the how-to-raise-a-child book.)
The boundaries that changed everything were about time
Put on the spot, Savannah named the boundary that has made the biggest difference in her life: she stopped seeing therapy clients on Fridays and made Fridays coaching only. She was scared that asking clients to move to another day would cost her everyone. She did not lose a single person. Now she can't wait to get to Fridays.
Kimberly's is her morning routine. Years ago she would never have called it a boundary. It was through coaching that she realized that is exactly what it is. During that routine she decides what her day is going to look like, and that decision becomes the filter for everything that comes in.
When a request arrives, she does not answer right away. She pauses, takes a breath, and asks whether it aligns with what she set up for the day. If it does not, her answer is about when: "Yes, I can do it, and it's gonna have to wait until Sunday at three o'clock."
Neither of them would have called a schedule a boundary years ago. Savannah thought hers was just a career choice. Both now see it as the boundary that made the most difference.
What to take with you
Kimberly and Savannah each left one thing for listeners. Kimberly's is the pause: before you say yes or no, stop, think about what you already have, and see if the answer can become "yes, and." Savannah's is the reminder underneath all of it.
"You matter and your time matters, and saying no is not rejection. It is honoring yourself."
About the Coach
Savannah Burke is a certified Live Life Fully coach who spent years stepping over her own boundaries before she learned to protect her time. Her free resource and weekly newsletter are on the Resources tab at llfully.com. Learn more or book a complimentary strategy session with Savannah at llfully.com/Coach-SavannahBurke.
A certified Live Life Fully coach can help you take the next step, together. Book your complimentary strategy session at llfully.com.
